A colleague of mine who was about 65 at the time, attended a workshop I was hosting. One of the topics was, “Save Your Relationships by Avoiding Unnecessary Confrontations.”
In layman terms, that’s like saying, “stay out of other people’s lives.”
At the end of the workshop, the colleague took me to the side and shared that she had been in many heated discussions with her single, 38-year-old daughter who had no children, about her decision to become a long-distance truck driver. She admitted that this workshop made her realize that she was out of line fighting with her daughter about her decision to pursue this career choice.
She realized that extending her unsolicited thoughts on her daughter’s desire for her life was unwise and all her protestations did was build a wall between them and create a schism since they had not spoken since the daughter entered the training. As a result, her decision to oppose her daughter’s career choice only served one purpose; breaking up their relationship.
The daughter would go on to be highly successful in the business, purchase her own 18-wheeler, meet and marry a wonderful man, and her mother’s reasoning was mostly self-serving; she felt driving a truck was no job for a woman, and that people would find fault with it. She refused to realize that she had lived her life and that she should not block her daughter from living her own life.
Similarly, years ago I came home from work one day to an invitation from a friend in Silver Spring, Md. She was inviting me to a 4th of July cookout and a college graduation party for her son. I shared my excitement with my own beloved aunt who practically raised me. At the time I was maybe 42 years old, and I had been friends with the friend for over 20 years at this point. I let my aunt know of my intention to take my daughter and travel to the party. She was incredulous and immediately said, “why in the world would do that? Girl you better put 20 dollars in an envelope, send it and call it a day—you know you can’t afford to go down there for no weekend.” Now mind you this was just her opinion—not facts. I had a good job, a late-model car that was in good shape and there was no valid reason for her to impose her opinion on me, especially since I did not ask her, “Aunt, what do you think about my going to Silver Spring for this cookout/party?”
As seniors, it is true that we know a lot! We can’t help but know things. Why? Because we’ve lived a lifetime, have acquired knowledge and hopefully gained wisdom. Having learned from our mistakes, we usually do things better—to our benefit. Subsequently, if we are lucky, all of our wins and losses have created in us a wellspring of information. However, along with it comes the burn to share it, the belief that people need it and also the belief that people want it—and therein lies the problem.
Unfortunately, the one thing that some of us have not learned is that, unless we are asked, our opinions and ideas of what people should do with their lives should be kept to ourselves. Some even say, “Well, at my age I can do or say whatever I want to.” There is some merit in this statement, but only in matters that concern you—not others.
Being a seasoned citizen does not mean we cannot experience personal development or continued growth. We are never too old to adjust our mentality which happens via self-reflection; taking a look inside and having that honest conversation, the one that asks, “Is there a role that I play in how I am perceived as a seasoned citizen?”
This may not be a popular concept, but if we are honest, we must admit to sometimes participating in our own unfavorable outcomes by pushing our own agenda on people and offering opinions not based in facts.
Additionally, some moms intentionally put adult children on guilt trips for not calling, not visiting enough…then there is the commanding senior aunt or mom or grandmom who are always in the “give me” mode and who operate with commands and directives. And then there are those of us who actually use age and/or illness to garner attention and time from family and friends. Admittedly, this is a slippery slope because, in actuality, seniors are often left alone by family. And many times it becomes necessary to speak up for a variety of reasons.
Simply put, the time for imposing your will on others about their lives is over.
The two examples listed above are of seniors crossing boundaries, and risking ruining a relationship. There are so many more examples. The good news is, this can be remedied by a bit of “self-reflection.” By recognizing that as seniors, while we have earned certain rights, we do not have the right to fight with other adults about the choices they make for their lives. It is not a pretty look, and it often leaves a string of broken relationships in its wake.
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