October is recognized nationally as not only Breast Cancer Awareness month, but also as Domestic Violence Awareness Month. With multiple reports about former NFL Baltimore Ravens player Ray Rice’s violent behavior toward his then-girlfriend, which was captured on tape, and the NFL’s handling, or mishandling, of the situation, it was agreed that Rice needed to seek help. While there is all kinds of help for victims of domestic violence, where can one go if they are the culprit?
Michael, then 21, of Pittsburgh, admits he always had a temper and being in a toxic relationship—especially when it’s with a woman you have two children with and will be connected to for life—didn’t help.
It was after several failed attempts at reconciliation; a physical altercation with his estranged girlfriend that resulted in probation, no physical contact with her and court ordered anger management classes; and a second incident that violated the judge’s previous order, that Michael found himself in need of serious help with controlling his emotions.
Now, 23, Michael said he now thinks about his actions and their consequences before he reacts, not only for him, but also for his three children, and he credits the Women’s Center & Shelter of Greater Pittsburgh’s Men Embracing Non-Violence and Safety (MEN/S) Group for his new attitude. After attending their program for more than a year, Michael has graduated.
Although the WC&S offers various support programs and resources for local women and children who are victims of domestic violence, along with awareness and education, it also provides supportive services for men addressing their abusive behavior.
“It (MEN/S Program) has helped a lot with some of the issues I’ve had with (his estranged girlfriend),” Michael said. “I’ll go to jail for my kids, I’ll kill over my kids; with me having that mentality, (now) I sit back and say, ‘I’m not going to do that.’ I think about my choices and it kicks in that the way I’m thinking is not right. I can go to jail and it’s not worth it. I sit back and think it’s not smart.”
There are many controlling behaviors that a part of domestic violence such as physical, verbal, financial, isolation, and mental and emotional abuse.
Rhonda Fleming, WC&S’ Education and MEN/S Group director, said through its program, men learn how to concentrate and cope with their feelings properly in order to deal with their controlling behaviors.
“It’s a mind behavior; it’s not an illness, it’s a choice that abusers make based on being able to use their power and control over another person,” she said. “The core of the program is to help men learn how to concentrate and recognize their feelings. And how those feelings lead to certain thoughts, and consequently certain actions and behaviors.”
During the MEN/S Group’s sessions, participants, who are typically men who have been court ordered due to incidents of domestic violence, have open discussions about their problems with violence or abuse; their feelings; receive feedback; and learn the nature of domestic violence, the strategies for stopping abusive behavior, how to change attitudes and beliefs towards and how to achieve equality in a relationship by openly speaking with a female and male facilitator.
Fleming said group sessions are the center’s chosen method because the environment is made comfortable enough for the men to be honest and open about their feelings, and the men learn from one another, which she said is most important.
“A majority say ’before I came here I didn’t want to come, I was angry and I didn’t think I needed to come here. But now, I think I’m going to learn something.’ If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a hundred times,” said Fleming. “And it’s absolutely awesome to witness and hear them say that, and to know that they can come here and actually learn to change the way they think and their behavior.”
Michael agrees with Fleming and said the group environment was helpful to him and his process. He admitted that he first came into the class guarded, angry and disinterested.
“I first came into this thinking this is a jail program and I have to be the tough guy that got me here. The first day I automatically made myself angry, but Ms. Rhonda (Fleming) makes you comfortable. After the first 20 minutes of the first day you let that guard down and say ‘I can sit here, pay attention and I can relax knowing everybody has an anger issue, everybody has something that everyone can relate to,” he said.
Although the sessions do take place in a group setting, Fleming said there are opportunities for participants to meet with the facilitators individually if necessary.
While many of the participants enter after being ordered by a court, Fleming said there are less than 5 percent that enroll in the program at their own will.
The cost of the program is based on each participant’s income. Funding assistance is available through Allegheny County if the participant meets the certain requirements and is court ordered to attend.
While many in society say, “Once an abuser, always an abuser,” Fleming disagrees.
“I do believe (abusers) can change and I wouldn’t be able to do this work if I didn’t believe it. I believe people who want to change, can change. In this instance, if they won’t change, they need to be incarcerated, that’s my opinion.”
Like Fleming, Michael said people can change and believes he is proof of it. “If you have the restraint and focus, you can change. Everybody can think about their actions before they do them. People just have to actually think.”
(For more information on WC&S’ MEN/S Group, call 412-687-8017 ext. 340.)
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